Our adoption journey

One day we just decided we were ready to adopt. We were tired of waiting for the money to be just right and schooling to be over. So we set out to start our home study. It took us nearly 6 months to complete our home study, and we were so sure that we had put the right amount of love into it that everyone would see the wonderful people we are and be willing to consider us for their baby. A year went by, then two, then three without so much as the first word from our adoption agency (aside from the yearly updates to our homestudy). So once again we started looking at our options. We had choosen the agency we had because of financial concerns, this agency was the cheapest, they came highly recommended and so we saw this as our only option in the beginning. After three years with not a peep we decided to consider international adoption, however, international adoption is often faster but expensive. So I was researching agencies and countries but nothing seemed to fit us. We had family that had adopted from China and we would have loved to but by the time we decided to go international the wait for China was three years. (So wait another three years or find a different country.) Then there was also the issue that our home study would have to be re-done because the agency we were with did not do international adoption. During my ramblings through agencies and countries I found an option for embryo adoption. This to me sounded alien and so I dismissed it. And yet it kept showing up everywhere, every site I looked at, in the newspaper, and so we started to consider it. We filed all our paperwork, went for the "pre-transfer" and then started on the protocol to recieve an embryo. Again so certain we were that the first transfer would be the one and I would end up pregnant with triplets (because they transfered 3 embryos) and again we were disappointed. Then we started the cycle for our second transfer. I was told I was pregnant then two days later I was told "false alarm not really". After transfer #2 we had to regroup.
Unless you are going through the struggle of adoption and trying to have a baby with failure after failure, you really can't understand the heartbreak and disappointment you feel. I felt like everything was my fault, that I was doing something wrong and that I would never be blessed with a baby of my own. My husband would tell you that he felt the same way. Everyone would try to cheer me up with "It will happen when Heavenly Father decides" " All in Heavenly Fathers time" "When He plans it". I can look back now and know that everyone was right of course and that I should have been more patient. But at the time their assurances just made me angry. I didn't want to hear all that, I felt in my heart that NOW was the time before we ever signed the first piece of paper.